This post was written a year ago and I just want to acknowledge how far I have gone..
I am grateful for myself for not giving up , doing tough inner work and determined to let it all out and heal
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MY POST A YEAR AGO
Thank you for all my friends who share your pain and stories with me. Publicly or privately
Some even thank me for being honest and vunerable and inspired her. As she is struggling with a recent divorce and childhood trauma.
I never set out to share my ugly truth of my family. Yet the words and the pain just poured over my fingers. I cried my eyes out after writing the post because the trauma came back in full force and took over me.
Yet, its ok because I am releasing the negative emotion to heal myself.
I think its time for me to look at it , the truth, naked, unfiltered, instead of pretending or normalizing my dysfunctional family. Just because things look normal from the surface, it doesnt mean im not broken and scarred inside. Far from it.
I am a battered child, a battered soul. A lonely daughter never has a normal family and normal mother like other children…
While Im grateful for being fed and having a roof over my head, the damage of a broken childhood is too much to handle and it damages my own mental health.
Im not grateful for all of the maltreatments that no child deserves to go through.
Remember this: “your children will not remember what you say to them, but how they make them feel. Feelings don’t lie”
I know my feelings don’t lie. No child born to hate their parents. Its the parents who fail them and turn them into loveless.
36 years is long enough for me to speak my own truth; instead of constantly live in fear of a narcissist parent, and a passive abuser.
I used to fear that she will blow up, she will get all mad, she will punish me by silent treatment, shaming me, criticizing me, telling others all bad things about me- like she did in the past!
(When I was small, before she decided to beat me, she will warn me that “tomorrow Im gonna beat you up”. I was living in horror and fear…
After the beating, she will threaten me never reveal anyword to anyone, or I will be beaten gain)
That cruel abuse left me live in hell for so many years!)
How sad is that ?
I put an end to it.
It takes courage to take this publicly, but I am NOT faulted to be born in a dark place and grew up with too much pain like that.
I have nothing to be ashamed for!
So, i am freeing myself by saying those uncomfortable truth and make peace of my past, and make me a better mother!
If you need anyone to hear you, i’m here.
I have a small advice: if anyone in so much pain come to you, don’t try to comfort them by “downplaying” their feeling (eg.oh we all experience that, or think positive, etc.) . Dont judge or dismiss their feeling because you never know how it feels.
You can help them by honoring their stories and be present! That’s already enough. 
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